MOTHERHOOD

I have been a mother for 3 years and a mother of two children for almost 9 months. I love my children and I love being their mother. It is everything that I imagined and more. And still, it is totally different than I ever have thought it would be. When I was younger I imagined having kids, but I never imagined the daily life with them. To be a mother can't be explained really until your are one. It is not so much that I feel like I gave up my life to be a mother. I always knew I wanted to be one and my life wouldn't be complete without being a mother. Even though it has been over 3 years that I'm a mommy, I'm still learning every day something new and each kid is so different that I can't always apply what I learned while raising my first one to raising the second one. Thus, every day of motherhood is a new adventure and challenge. It is everything I never knew to hope for and also the most rewarding job in the world.

But I have to be honest here, because not every day feels great being a mom. It is hard, hard work and very exhausting, straining and can drive one crazy. Especially if you are a stay-at-home Mom like me. There is no break during the day or for that matter during the night. It is a 24/7 job. For the past 9 months, I have been up every 2 to 3 hours at night and I feel exhausted. However, it doesn't mean I don't love being a mom or hold a grudge against my kids for waking me up nights. Not at all. I love my kids to death and it is true, when they are sick I wish it was me being sick instead of them. But sometimes I feel like I'm a total failure and not very good at that Mommy-thing. Yes, I do loose my patience (I got much better at it but Amelia is really trying me sometimes) and I regret certain things I tell my children. So often it hurts me more than them. They may cry for a bit because I put them in time-out, but they'll forget quickly. For me on the other hand, I keep thinking about my failure to communicate properly with them and that I once again lost my patience and screamed at my child. Then I feel like I failed them, the mother that should protect and love them, and I pray to God that he forgives me and to guide me to react differently the next time a similar situation occurs. Motherhood is very trying....and I want to do it right.

But often I don't even know what is the right thing to do. I'm as much learning to be a good mother as they are learning to be a "good" child. My kids and I are in this together and I believe that even though I'm far from being the perfect mother, I'm the best mother for my children and I love them as no one other than me can love them. And I will protect my kids like a lioness protects her cubs.

Since I'm a mother, I finally can understand what my mom went thru and when she said: "You'll never understand how much I love you till you have your own children.  It is a whole different kind of love that is fierce." She is so right! And a mother constantly worries, but no one will understand that until they have kids of their own.  It is just one of those mommy-things. My mom kept saying: "Small kids, small worries. Big kids, big worries." I guess, I will see if that holds true. But being a mother now makes me appreciate my own mom so much more and I truly love her for all she has done for me and the way she raised me. There were times when I said that I will do lots of things differently with my kids than she did raising us. But now I realize, I'm doing most of those things exactly as she did. They don't seem wrong at all at this point. I just needed to become a mother before I understood what she meant.

Now, every day I wake up and I thank God for my children and that I'm allowed to be their mother. I know I'm not the perfect mother, and I never will be, but I try my very best and for now, my kids think I'm the greatest singer, dancer, lover, playmate, artist, cook and supporter there is in the world. And that is enough for me :)